Sommers, What Have You Done To ‘G.I Joe’?! – Movie Review

My uncle really liked the G.I Joe animated series and action figures as a kid. He still has everything he collected from his childhood to this day, just in case he ever needs some extra money or just wants to revel in his past. Somehow I believe that the net worth of those figurines will drop on eBay thanks to the new live-action movie G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Cobra pretty much recaps the story of how the team of heroes came to be, and how team Cobra came into power. It tells the story, and badly, I must say. Stephen Sommers (the evil mastermind who did the Mummy and Scorpion movies) directs this action-crap in hope of topping Michael Bay. Although who can? Bay is the king of sex/action/garbage movies (Day After Tomorrow, I'm talking to you) and nobody in this day and age can beat him. Sommers attempt is a bit sad, actually. Could Sienna Miller walking slowly out of an automobile and frenching a Chinese guy be the next Megan Fox checking out the hood of Bumblebee? Long story short: no, it cannot.

Channing Tatum stars as Duke, the acting first sergeant of the "Joe" team. Tatum delivers a new set of emotionless drama to Cobra; not the dancing emotionless drama he did in Step Up or the dreadful thirty seconds of being shot and looking depressed he worked oh-so-hard on in Public Enemies; no, a whole new set! America needs to face that fact that Tatum simply cannot act. You've heard by now of his Chippendale's past, and that's where he really belongs. I'd much be happier seeing him on a billboard in Abercrombie and Fitch than on the big screen making me feel sad inside whenever I see him. Marlon Wayans also appears as Ripcord (his purpose really doesn't matter that much). Immediately, Joe is a joke. Hiring a Wayans in an action movie that I'm supposed to take seriously?! (Note the emphases.) I guess to provide a little bit of comedy into the mixed-up cast. Surprisingly, it doesn't work. And if you didn't get that I was being sarcastic in that last sentence, G.I Joe is the movie for you.

Sienna Miller is eye candy as Baroness; Stephen Sommers' Megan Fox. I didn't take her role that seriously, I'm sorry. But I couldn't help myself. I think that Miller, who's starred in such great movies as Factory Girl and Layer Cake, is the only reason that I'm not writing this movie of as a whole. Sure, she pushes her, um, cleavage together and wears skin-tight leather throughout, but she brings life to her character. That's more than you can say for Tatum or Wayans. The other reason I'm not writing this off is because Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as "The Doctor" or "Rex", whatever you want to call him. It's only in Joe that you realize that he's no longer the little rascal from Third Rock from the Sun. He's a fully-blossomed Keanu Reeves (which he so closely resembles in Cobra). I hope that he does more serious work than G.I Joe. And I'm not worrying, because he will.

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a messy Transformers with bad acting and an even worse storyline. Whatever credibility Paul Lovett, Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Stephen Sommers previously had is al blissfully lost with his latest concoction. Take my advice and skip Rise of Cobra. This high-hope that movie studios have of creating the next Dark Knight is a laugh. That Cobra would even come relatively close.

1½ out of 5 stars